The older I get, the more experienced I get, and the more I understand what really turns me on. I mean, what really turns me on. And less and less it is the physical. More and more it is connection that drives my arousal.
For a time, I believed that a simple physical encounter could be enough. I experimented with casual, anonymous sex, and I had some pretty fun times. It did feel nice to not put so much pressure on the sexual experience, to not demand that it be something more than mingling juices and body parts. But every time I was with someone new, I found myself wanting to gaze into their eyes. I longed to know they were truly present with me. I wanted that kind of connection that is beyond physical and exists in some other realm — a realm which we can only grasp while we are masterfully embodying spirit. Often while I looked into a person’s eyes who only wanted to remain on the physical plane, I felt emptiness. Physically, I could never get fully aroused in such an encounter. My cock stayed half-hard, or even fully soft. For a while I attributed this to performance anxiety. Now I see it as an indicator of connection.
You see, when I am with my primary partner — the woman I have chosen to walk hand-in-hand with as I build my life and she builds hers — I am rock hard. I am so turned on when I’m fucking her that even a certain look in her eye, or a slight noise that she makes, can have me on the edge of orgasm. I can feel her presence. I can feel our connection. I feel it all over my body. I can also often feel this with close lovers and intimate friends. But when I am with someone I don’t know very well, I am not often able to physically feel that full arousal. This tells me something very important: that there is a lack of connection. It could be me. It could be my sexual partner. It could be both of us. But there is a missing link to bridge our bodies with the spirit. And I sense it very deeply. At first I found this annoying because it hindered me from experiencing sexual pleasure as I so desired. Now I believe it is a gift that has saved me from a life of meaningless sexual experiences.
Since I’ve been webcam modeling, I’ve learned more about this gift. As a male model, often there is a chorus of voices in the chat room demanding that you “get hard,” “bone up,” or “cum with me, BB.” At first, I though these voices were the voices I had to cater to. I thought, “I better be able to get hard on demand, or else nobody is going to like my show!” So I tried, and I tried … and I tried. The best I could do was a semi-hard cock, and even that took me a good 15 minutes to achieve. I didn’t really think people were too excited to see that. But I also didn’t want to take pills to get an erection, especially when I had no problem doing getting it up with my primary partner. I enjoy performing, showing off my body, and talking to people online. I have no shame about my naked body. But something about arousal was very different. I had to have some perfect storm of thoughts, feelings, and physical sensation to achieve it. And I had to be relaxed.
So I tracked myself. I noticed the feelings I had when I was with my partner or close lovers. And when I signed into the public chat room on Chaturbate and began broadcasting, I took those feelings with me. I was solo-camming, but I also felt the presence of those I loved and felt arousal with. I hadn’t realized it up until that point, but I had been camming with the same energy as I had with my casual sex experiences. I had approached it the same way, thinking only of the physical pleasure and wanting that to be enough. And I was struggling to feel the connection I desired once again. So I relaxed into it, I started having fun, being silly, and really getting deep with people I chatted with online. I started being more authentic, and in return I began to attract more authentic people. Funny how that works, eh? And with these authentic, kind, and beautiful online friends — though they had aliases, random numbers in their names, and emoticons instead of tangible touch — I was able to feel aroused. I was able to cum. I had forged the connection in webcamming that I didn’t know I was lacking for so long, and my body had merged once again with my spirit.
I also started watching homemade films of me and my primary partner while masturbating on cam. That helped, too.
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