About 4 years ago I met a man who I felt a strong attraction to. His mocha skin and soft, thin dreadlocks drew me in. His musical talent and open-heartedness drew me closer. It wasn’t the first time I admired a man; I had many times before in my life — often a mentor or teacher of some sort, but not always. The men I admired usually embodied something I wanted to become. Or they represented opportunity for me to open more deeply to being closer to another man. And so I watched them, spent time with them, sometimes exchanged massages or deep-felt hugs. I learned how to be vulnerable and give in to male energetic exchange. And it was wonderful, liberating.
I thought my mocha, dreadlocked friend would be the same — a mentor of sorts with whom I could touch and be touched, physically and emotionally. Yet, as he sat in a chair and I endearingly massaged his shoulders one night when we were alone in his home, a much more unique opportunity presented itself. He titled his head back towards me, moaned, closed his eyes, and parted his lips ever so slightly. He was ready for a kiss. I had never kissed a man before in my life. There had been a few brushes with the scenario, but it had never come to fruition. But in this instance, it felt right — comfortable, warm, and inviting. And something in me said, “Go for it.” So I did. His lips were soft, sensual, not unlike a woman’s lips. But when I felt his chest, it was lean and solid. This was a subconscious conflict in my mind I had not yet encountered in real life. Being so used to the softness of a woman’s body, how could I be aroused by a hardness that was so unfamiliar?
That initial encounter turned out to be a lot more than I expected. We kissed, we massaged, we caressed, we played with each other’s cocks. He sucked me. I was half-hard and didn’t cum. But neither of us cared about that. I gave him a handjob. He came quickly; it was the first time I felt the warmth and creamy texture of another man’s cum. As I drove home that night, high off this new and exciting experience, I saw a billboard that read: “WOW.” That about summed it up for me. And I smiled to myself, feeling ready for more male attention in my life, knowing in my heart that the time had come. I’d flirted enough with the idea, and it was time I made fantasy a reality.
I saw Lee again over the next few days, and we enjoyed a more platonic connection during that time. I kissed him when I saw him, and again when I left him, but we didn’t dive further into the sexual realm. I told him I wanted to take it slow. I really liked him, but I didn’t yet know what being with another man meant to me in my life; I had a lot to sort out. He understood and was willing be with me through my process. Little did I know it would be more than just a playful exploration — it was going to be confusing, challenging, and enlightening. In fact, it would be one of the most difficult relationships of my life.
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